Thursday, July 31, 2008

I couldn't help myself

So as you know, I've been very horny for a long time. So I gave in and had sex with my son's father. It was nice enough. He was very surprised and very ready. The window was open and I wasn't very quiet so I'm sure the neighbors got a treat. Maybe they were thinking, good for them. Who know?

How I feel about it? It doesn't change much. Just the other day I revealed to my mother that we were not going to make it. She said she supported whatever decision I made. She also suggested that I talk to him and let him know completely where I'm at. See I've explained it but for the last month we've spoken very little to each other. We simple coexist. At times he discuss the future as if we as still together in it. He's not very observant or maybe he don't want to accept.

The sex last night was just fucking. Not loving. We didn't even kiss. He was sweaty and stinky and me too. I'd just worked out and he'd been working in the yard. The sweating and the stinking didn't stop the fucking.

So what now? This weekend we are going to talk, really talk about our future. I'm sure we will argue but it would be nice if we didn't. It would be nice to get something resolved even if it means him leaving. Sex really changes things, don't it? My mother thinks my son still sleeping in my bed could be part of our problem. When she said that the thought of having sex with him made me sick.

I know I said I wouldn't be intoxicated around him but I was and that is mostly why it happened. Now things are more complicated and I have a lot of thinking ahead of me.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Woman my age need more sex?

The other day I was told from a man in his sixties than women in there thirties and forties need sex. He was discussing a friend of ours who just broke up with her boyfriend. He is supposed to be a awful person but very good looking. This older man suggested she should have stayed with the boyfriend and use him for sex.

He's statement has me thinking about my sex life. I'm in my thirties and I miss having sex like hell. I can't have sex with my son's father. I can't have sex with someone else. Having sex with myself isn't fulfilling all my desires. So I have to suffer, right? Will I ever have sex again, I wonder. I feel like a adolescent boy, thinking about it all the time. I saw a young man the other day with his shirt off. I almost had an accident looking at him in my review window.

I need a porn. I want the kind made for a woman. You know how hard they are to find. And when you find them (online), they cost too much. Especially since there's no way to tell if they are good.

I need a good dildo. I never cared for them before. Just give me a little vibrator for a nice clitoral orgasm and I'm happy. I never needed to fuck myself with some big rubber object but it sounds really good about now.

Even with the movie and the toys I'm sure I will long for the human contact. I'm deprived in the sex area but even more so in the kissing area.

I wish kissing wasn't cheating. But kissing leads to other stuff eventually. So I guess I got to be a good girl until I've officially ended it with me son's father. A horny, frustrated, good girl.

Sunday, July 20, 2008


It's becoming a sad day. I'm looking at my life and I'm thinking why does it have to be so hard. I wish not to feel sorry for myself. I wish to be stronger and to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm usually very positive about life and the opportunities that are hard to get to sometimes but are there. I just pray that I keep trying. I won't give up but I fear a day where I might give in.

The ex boyfriend got me to thinking. That was a very damaging relationship. I was very proud to have survived it, always telling friends that it made me stronger. I knew to avoid anyone like him but I didn't see my son's father as like him.

Tonight, I'm praying for strength and guidance.

Ironic, huh?

So my crazy ex-boyfriend who I haven’t seen or heard from in about 5 years drops off a note at my door. He said he doesn’t want to bother me but he would like for me to call him. He also said, if a woman who will be his wife answers the phone don’t be alarmed, just ask for him.

My son’s father tried to start an argument with me about something totally different. I avoided it and he seemed very disappointed that I didn’t let him pull me in. So he was upset about the ex’s attempt of connecting with me. So he needed someone to take it out on. Things had been tolerable but he always shows his true colors eventually.

I wish I was free. If I had $5000 I could be free. I considered taking on a sugar daddy but that was a quick thought. I couldn’t bring myself to that when I was young and stupid so I of course I wouldn’t consider it now that I’m wiser with a child to think of. But it would make things easy. So instead of selling my soul I will suffer with my son’s father another month. Meanwhile he had the nerve to mention that he was horny last night. I was like, I’m just hanging out with you to talk and that’s all. I just can’t do it.

A friend told me she couldn’t have a man living in her house that she didn’t fuck, if it was only that simple.

I’ve been without sex for about 5 months. Yes, I’m horny but I’m not tempted. It’s not worth it. Sex with him is not fulfilling. He always seems to start an argument with me the next day. We never make love it’s just fucking. We don’t even kiss during sex. Would you want it? More importantly, I don’t want to send the wrong message to him. So for the first time in a very long time I’m without sex. Five years ago when we would do it every day, I never would have dreamed we would still be together these years later and not having sex at all. How could a good fit go so wrong? Well if you’ve read my previous posts you have some clue. I resent him very much for never loving me back. I was deceived. He should have been up front about his lack of feelings for me. I think the sex was the best part for him, the part that kept him around. Ironic, huh?

Thursday, July 10, 2008


How am I going to make it for another month? Yes, a month is all I can take. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it financially but I have to. The month I have left is going to be hell.

Just a few minutes ago, I asked him why he was giving our son chicken when he could have given him rice. We agreed that we'd prefer our son not consuming all the hormones they pump into chicken. He said that our son asked for it but that wasn't true I heard the conversation and repeated it back to him. He then took the defense and said "so it's OK to give him chicken nuggets from McDonald's". Our son can eat chicken but I want to limit it. Then he asks, "when was the last time I gave him chicken". I'm like who cares, that's not what it's about. He just had chicken from Burger King yesterday so how is that limiting the amount of chicken. I guess because he didn't give it to him it doesn't count.

I'm trying not to hate this man. I just stopped smoking and I know I picked a hard time to do it. His voice sickens me.

After we had a few words, my son comes to me and says, "don't yell at daddy". I don't want him to think I'm a bad person because me and his father don't get alone. I walked past the room they were in and said "asshole" in a low voice but loud enough for him to hear it. Not because I wanted him to hear it but because I couldn't help it. Anger consumed me and I just said it. He said, "no that's what you are and now he is seeing it too". At one time, that would have made me go berserk. That's a low blow. Words like that coming from him used to hurt me because I couldn't understand how he could be so mean. I would want him to know he hurt me and that it was wrong for him to go there. But now, I just don't give a fuck. I know he doesn't give a fuck about me and never have. So fuck him! Asshole!

Monday, July 7, 2008

where was I?

I would drink a little too much on purpose. We'd go to his home for more drinks or some pot. I'd rather it be pot. I love fucking high. Then he would kiss me nice and long. The kind of kiss I haven't had in over a year. Joy will erupt all over my body. The long kissing moves from my lips to my neck. There is a true hot spot on my neck. Then his hands will start grabbing and so will mine. I won't grab his crouch until I've had enough of his kisses. When I'm ready, I touch him and then we take our cloths off and fuck. He will fuck me with the energy of a twenty-two year old but with the experience of a man his age. The whole time I'd be thinking, how does he know my body so well and how did he know I like it freaky like that. Once it's over, we talk about nothing in particular and then he goes down on me very gentle and not neglecting my ass. Once I'm licked clean we fuck again. I don't give him head because I don't want him to fall in love too soon.

So that's my fantasy. Sure I could have given more details but I'm not here to write erotic short stories. :)

Saturday, July 5, 2008


I think he realizes something has changed. Hell yea it's changed. I used to be a love sick puppy waiting for him to love me back but now I don't care, at all. I found an old journal from when I was pregnant. Most of the entries included something about how bad our relationship was. This has been going on too long. I can't wait to get out of it.

No sex is what he has taken notice of.

I'm about tired of masturbating but that's the only option for now. I fantasize about the day after this relationship is over. I'd call this guy I met recently and we would meet for dinner and drinks. I would drink a little too much on purpose and...

I'll finish this later. He just walked in.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

I think you would have said anything to get me to be your boyfriend.

One of the last straws was about 5 weeks ago. He found a receipt that showed I bought cigarettes. He called me during a business meeting to argue about this. I explained I was in a meeting but he wouldn't stop arguing. So I said goodbye nicely and hung up the phone.

The very day we met, I probably smoked almost a whole pack of cigarettes in front of him. He knew I smoked. And in the beginning I smoked regularly. I stopped about three years into our relationship because we talked about it and we both were concerned about my health. I did really good only backsliding a few times. Recently, the stress has impaired my judgement. I didn't want to be at home where he was so I went out to get away. Going out means drinking and with drinking I usually want to smoke. By the way, just last week I decided that I wasn't going out anymore until this relationship is over.

After my meeting was over, I called him. He yelled at me about how he don't want a girlfriend who smokes. He said if I continued to smoke it was over. He argue and I asked that he calm down so we can talk about this. But he was fired up, he didn't want to talk calmly. He argue with rehearsed words. The one statement that got me was, "I think you would have said anything to get me to be your boyfriend." Before that he said that he told me he wouldn't be my boyfriend unless I stop smoking and I said OK. Why in the hell would I agree to those terms! I reminded him that I was smoking with your friends in front of you. See he didn't introduce me to his friend until he accepted me as his girlfriend. We dated for about 7 months before he made the decision. When I reminded him he couldn't do anything but agree.

"I think you would have said anything to get me to be your boyfriend". That statement is very powerful. I was never desperate for him to be my boyfriend. I never pushed the subject either. I express concern because when he was with me he acted like a boyfriend but expressed to everyone else, I was nothing special. If he mentioned me at all. Funny thing, now he wants to count that time in how long we've been together. The time when I was nothing special, he want to include in the time we've been "together".

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

This is helping. I wasn't sure when I first started this if it would help. I'd rather type than write so I decided to blog instead of journal. This is the only time I will let the negative flow. I've decided to let things go. Like the lady who invited +4 of us to her daughters wedding and then the day before I was told I was the only one they uninvited for budget reasons. This was something that bothered me for a long time but now I don't care anymore. I've let it go.

I need to let go of how my son's father has treated me for the last 7+ years. For example, I'm going to let go of the anger I have for him for treating me bad while I was pregnant. He didn't want a child and he made that very clear. Sometimes I would look at Birth Day and cry because he never treated special in any way. He would huff and puff is I asked him to go to the store for something. I was under a lot of stress during my pregnancy mainly because I was lonely and disappointed. Once on the way to a doctor's appointment, he was arguing with me. I'm not sure who started it but I remember thinking,
this has to stop so my blood pressure will not be too high, they will make me stay for observation. I asked him to stop arguing with me but he didn't. I told him why and it still didn't help. So I'm going to take the advice of Joel Osteen and try to move the negative thoughts out of my head so that they don't destroy the positive thoughts. See I'm preparing for my family's happy future.

Thanks Al Green for understanding

I'm feeling broken hearted today

Dreaming With A Broken Heart - John Mayer

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

I'm finish

I keep meeting guys with potential but I don't want to meet any guys right now. Once it's over for good I might think of that. Until then, no love and no sex. This song feels the way I feel but some of the words don't fit.

You Made A Fool Of Me - Meshell Ndegeocello

He doesn't realize where I am but he was warned. I'm finish.

While I wait, I will love me and my son and work on our future.