So where have I been? I decided not to post for a few days. This whole thing that happened, three times now, with my son's father is confusing.
I still have ill fillings toward him. He still hasn't asked that we work it out or even give the hint that he wants to work it out. He's like, thanks for the sex, and that's it. I'm think this is a mistake but I'm not sure. So I'm going to write him a letter and see how he responds. I'm going to tell him that there is no way in the world I'm going to make the attempt all alone. If he wants me he needs to say it and if he don't he needs to say it. I can live with him and co-parent for a limited time as long as it's officially over. No sex and no animosity. He can come and go as he pleases and so can I as long as our son is taken care of.
I'm open to whatever he decides but it's how serious he is about the decision he makes that will determine if I'm cool with it. But right now, I'm still sure it’s not much hopes for us. It's going to take a lot to take the hurt and pain away. I don't believe he has it in him to make the effort.
I'm going to write the letter tonight and try to work up the courage to give it to him right away. I'm nervous because I think I might be setting myself up for the type of disappointment and hurt I’ve experienced many times before.
Monday, August 4, 2008
So where have I been? I decided not to post for a few days. This whole thing that happened, three times now, with my son's father is confusing.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
How I feel about it? It doesn't change much. Just the other day I revealed to my mother that we were not going to make it. She said she supported whatever decision I made. She also suggested that I talk to him and let him know completely where I'm at. See I've explained it but for the last month we've spoken very little to each other. We simple coexist. At times he discuss the future as if we as still together in it. He's not very observant or maybe he don't want to accept.
The sex last night was just fucking. Not loving. We didn't even kiss. He was sweaty and stinky and me too. I'd just worked out and he'd been working in the yard. The sweating and the stinking didn't stop the fucking.
So what now? This weekend we are going to talk, really talk about our future. I'm sure we will argue but it would be nice if we didn't. It would be nice to get something resolved even if it means him leaving. Sex really changes things, don't it? My mother thinks my son still sleeping in my bed could be part of our problem. When she said that the thought of having sex with him made me sick.
I know I said I wouldn't be intoxicated around him but I was and that is mostly why it happened. Now things are more complicated and I have a lot of thinking ahead of me.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
He's statement has me thinking about my sex life. I'm in my thirties and I miss having sex like hell. I can't have sex with my son's father. I can't have sex with someone else. Having sex with myself isn't fulfilling all my desires. So I have to suffer, right? Will I ever have sex again, I wonder. I feel like a adolescent boy, thinking about it all the time. I saw a young man the other day with his shirt off. I almost had an accident looking at him in my review window.
I need a porn. I want the kind made for a woman. You know how hard they are to find. And when you find them (online), they cost too much. Especially since there's no way to tell if they are good.
I need a good dildo. I never cared for them before. Just give me a little vibrator for a nice clitoral orgasm and I'm happy. I never needed to fuck myself with some big rubber object but it sounds really good about now.
Even with the movie and the toys I'm sure I will long for the human contact. I'm deprived in the sex area but even more so in the kissing area.
I wish kissing wasn't cheating. But kissing leads to other stuff eventually. So I guess I got to be a good girl until I've officially ended it with me son's father. A horny, frustrated, good girl.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
The ex boyfriend got me to thinking. That was a very damaging relationship. I was very proud to have survived it, always telling friends that it made me stronger. I knew to avoid anyone like him but I didn't see my son's father as like him.
Tonight, I'm praying for strength and guidance.
My son’s father tried to start an argument with me about something totally different. I avoided it and he seemed very disappointed that I didn’t let him pull me in. So he was upset about the ex’s attempt of connecting with me. So he needed someone to take it out on. Things had been tolerable but he always shows his true colors eventually.
I wish I was free. If I had $5000 I could be free. I considered taking on a sugar daddy but that was a quick thought. I couldn’t bring myself to that when I was young and stupid so I of course I wouldn’t consider it now that I’m wiser with a child to think of. But it would make things easy. So instead of selling my soul I will suffer with my son’s father another month. Meanwhile he had the nerve to mention that he was horny last night. I was like, I’m just hanging out with you to talk and that’s all. I just can’t do it.
A friend told me she couldn’t have a man living in her house that she didn’t fuck, if it was only that simple.
I’ve been without sex for about 5 months. Yes, I’m horny but I’m not tempted. It’s not worth it. Sex with him is not fulfilling. He always seems to start an argument with me the next day. We never make love it’s just fucking. We don’t even kiss during sex. Would you want it? More importantly, I don’t want to send the wrong message to him. So for the first time in a very long time I’m without sex. Five years ago when we would do it every day, I never would have dreamed we would still be together these years later and not having sex at all. How could a good fit go so wrong? Well if you’ve read my previous posts you have some clue. I resent him very much for never loving me back. I was deceived. He should have been up front about his lack of feelings for me. I think the sex was the best part for him, the part that kept him around. Ironic, huh?
Thursday, July 10, 2008
How am I going to make it for another month? Yes, a month is all I can take. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it financially but I have to. The month I have left is going to be hell.
Just a few minutes ago, I asked him why he was giving our son chicken when he could have given him rice. We agreed that we'd prefer our son not consuming all the hormones they pump into chicken. He said that our son asked for it but that wasn't true I heard the conversation and repeated it back to him. He then took the defense and said "so it's OK to give him chicken nuggets from McDonald's". Our son can eat chicken but I want to limit it. Then he asks, "when was the last time I gave him chicken". I'm like who cares, that's not what it's about. He just had chicken from Burger King yesterday so how is that limiting the amount of chicken. I guess because he didn't give it to him it doesn't count.
I'm trying not to hate this man. I just stopped smoking and I know I picked a hard time to do it. His voice sickens me.
After we had a few words, my son comes to me and says, "don't yell at daddy". I don't want him to think I'm a bad person because me and his father don't get alone. I walked past the room they were in and said "asshole" in a low voice but loud enough for him to hear it. Not because I wanted him to hear it but because I couldn't help it. Anger consumed me and I just said it. He said, "no that's what you are and now he is seeing it too". At one time, that would have made me go berserk. That's a low blow. Words like that coming from him used to hurt me because I couldn't understand how he could be so mean. I would want him to know he hurt me and that it was wrong for him to go there. But now, I just don't give a fuck. I know he doesn't give a fuck about me and never have. So fuck him! Asshole!
Monday, July 7, 2008
I would drink a little too much on purpose. We'd go to his home for more drinks or some pot. I'd rather it be pot. I love fucking high. Then he would kiss me nice and long. The kind of kiss I haven't had in over a year. Joy will erupt all over my body. The long kissing moves from my lips to my neck. There is a true hot spot on my neck. Then his hands will start grabbing and so will mine. I won't grab his crouch until I've had enough of his kisses. When I'm ready, I touch him and then we take our cloths off and fuck. He will fuck me with the energy of a twenty-two year old but with the experience of a man his age. The whole time I'd be thinking, how does he know my body so well and how did he know I like it freaky like that. Once it's over, we talk about nothing in particular and then he goes down on me very gentle and not neglecting my ass. Once I'm licked clean we fuck again. I don't give him head because I don't want him to fall in love too soon.
So that's my fantasy. Sure I could have given more details but I'm not here to write erotic short stories. :)
Saturday, July 5, 2008
No sex is what he has taken notice of.
I'm about tired of masturbating but that's the only option for now. I fantasize about the day after this relationship is over. I'd call this guy I met recently and we would meet for dinner and drinks. I would drink a little too much on purpose and...
I'll finish this later. He just walked in.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
The very day we met, I probably smoked almost a whole pack of cigarettes in front of him. He knew I smoked. And in the beginning I smoked regularly. I stopped about three years into our relationship because we talked about it and we both were concerned about my health. I did really good only backsliding a few times. Recently, the stress has impaired my judgement. I didn't want to be at home where he was so I went out to get away. Going out means drinking and with drinking I usually want to smoke. By the way, just last week I decided that I wasn't going out anymore until this relationship is over.
After my meeting was over, I called him. He yelled at me about how he don't want a girlfriend who smokes. He said if I continued to smoke it was over. He argue and I asked that he calm down so we can talk about this. But he was fired up, he didn't want to talk calmly. He argue with rehearsed words. The one statement that got me was, "I think you would have said anything to get me to be your boyfriend." Before that he said that he told me he wouldn't be my boyfriend unless I stop smoking and I said OK. Why in the hell would I agree to those terms! I reminded him that I was smoking with your friends in front of you. See he didn't introduce me to his friend until he accepted me as his girlfriend. We dated for about 7 months before he made the decision. When I reminded him he couldn't do anything but agree.
"I think you would have said anything to get me to be your boyfriend". That statement is very powerful. I was never desperate for him to be my boyfriend. I never pushed the subject either. I express concern because when he was with me he acted like a boyfriend but expressed to everyone else, I was nothing special. If he mentioned me at all. Funny thing, now he wants to count that time in how long we've been together. The time when I was nothing special, he want to include in the time we've been "together".
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
I need to let go of how my son's father has treated me for the last 7+ years. For example, I'm going to let go of the anger I have for him for treating me bad while I was pregnant. He didn't want a child and he made that very clear. Sometimes I would look at Birth Day and cry because he never treated special in any way. He would huff and puff is I asked him to go to the store for something. I was under a lot of stress during my pregnancy mainly because I was lonely and disappointed. Once on the way to a doctor's appointment, he was arguing with me. I'm not sure who started it but I remember thinking, this has to stop so my blood pressure will not be too high, they will make me stay for observation. I asked him to stop arguing with me but he didn't. I told him why and it still didn't help. So I'm going to take the advice of Joel Osteen and try to move the negative thoughts out of my head so that they don't destroy the positive thoughts. See I'm preparing for my family's happy future.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Then I've been thinking about this guy. I'm not sure if I'm interested in dating right after it's over. I'm scared to date. I'm sure sex would be expected and I'm not sure I'm ready. As horny as I am, I'm not sure I want to give my body to another person just yet. I remember dating as guys trying to get some pussy. Some would do a lot and then expect it and some would do almost nothing and expect it. I just want to be loved. And it's hard to imagine getting lucky and finding that right away. For a long time, I wanted to be loved but the person I wanted to love me never did. In a way, I want to jump right into it.
I want to feel loved.
Back to this guy, he has sent me a couple endearing text messages. I know I should discourage it but it feels nice. My daughter's father never sent me a note, email or anything endearing. He has said over and over that he is not romantic. One of the text messages said, "I'm so happy I was with you tonight." (We ran into each other at a event.) I need to discourage this attention before I act like I'm not me. I've been so deprived of attention that I might not be in my right mind. ;)
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Being a very sexual person this is hard for me. I don't like the idea of cheating and lying especially since we have a child together. I want this to end as smoothly as possible but it's going to maybe be another two months before that happens. I don't know if I can wait.
When I go out for drinks with friends, men always hit on me. I must admit I a get a lot of attention. But I'm not tempted. Meeting men at bars isn't for me. When drinking is involved, who knows who these men really are. For example, I'm drinking, sometimes more than I should so I'm very outgoing and charismatic, I'm not like that all the time.
There is someone I can't put out of my mind. I meet him at a bar but for a networking event so it doesn't really count. We've done business together but that's it. He likes me but knows I'm with someone. He doesn't know that it's a bad situation and I don't think he knows that we live together. He's a really nice, good guy so I don't think he would go for it with just the knowledge that I have someone in my life. I wish I was single so I can see if it's worth anything. One thing especially great about him is the way he looks at me. My sons father never looked at me that way.
I happened to see this person last night and he touched the top of my foot. It turned me on. I left quickly and will try to keep my distance. Maybe I will look him up in two months after it's over. If it's truly something there, I don't want to mess it up with a ugly beginning.
Two months seem like forever.
Monday, June 23, 2008
I thought how he never gave me the best day of my life or anything close to, and that he never will. I was sure of it and I was right.
Why did I stay if it was so bad? Sometimes I think it was the sexual connection. At that time we had sex just about everyday. After sex, it felt right. If felt like love. I was young and naive and let the feeling I got from him during sex mean more than it should have.
Funny, he tried to touch me yesterday. I wasn't grossed out yet I wasn't a bit interested. The last time we had sex it like... somewhat like this quote from the color purple - "He does his business on top of me." This is a quote that Celie wrote in her journal. This shows that having sex wasn't to deal with love or even passion it was just Albert doing what he had to do. Celie had been raped as a young girl by her stepfather so she got the impression that men were do that and a women was to just take it whether she wanted to or not.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
This person I live with and co-parent my son with make my skin crawl.
How can I live in peace with someone who has broke my heart over and over again? It's such a weird place to be.
I'm going to start meditating. I need to find peace because financially things can't change just yet.
So, I could tell he was interested. But we couldn't exactly flirt or get to know each other because this guy I was sort of dating was in the way. So I danced sexily in his view and he wrote in his notepad while sitting on the floor right in front of me while I played cards with this guy I was sort of dating. We didn't exchange numbers. If I didn't have a connection to him through other people, we more than likely would have never met. But a friend was determined to make it happen between us. She thought it was a perfect idea and wanted to add us to the couple she collected as friends for her and her boyfriend.
Eventually we met again at a party, exchanged numbers and went out. Right away there were two things undesirable about him. If our paths crossed today and he lived with his parents and didn't have a car, I'm sure I would keep passing. Now he lives with me and still don't have a car after 7 years. He had a car once but that didn't last very long.
If I made a list of what traits I don't want the next guy to have it would look something like this - sport fanatic (hell no!), doesn't live alone, no car, unromantic, narcissistic, and unmotivated/lack drive.
So in the beginning, I was happy with him. I enjoyed his company and we had good talk. He was ok in bed as well. You know it was good in the beginning because it’s normal to be completely excited when exploring a new body that we are attracted to. Also, he is well endowed. But after the newness rubbed off it got sort of boring. I tried to introduce us to Tantric sex but he was not at all interested. I bought a book for role playing ideas and he didn't want anything to do with it. I slowly figured it out, we are not as sexually compatible as I would like. But in the beginning none of that was revealed and I was falling hard for him. The physical connection was special and I started wanting him as a boyfriend not just a lover. He didn't want a girlfriend and at first I didn't want a boyfriend but sometimes things change when you meet that special person. Why he decided to make me his girlfriend is still sort of confusing to me. Maybe I will explore that tomorrow.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
I decided to start this blog because I want my current situation documented. My heart is broken. It broke slowly. Took about 7 years and it was painful.
I live with someone who might have loved me but never was in love with me. Once he said I was wrong because I used to love his dirty drawgs but now I don't. I responded that, "you don't love my dirty drawgs so why should I love yours." He said it was different because, he never did.
We have a son together and if it wasn't for that I would feel that it would have been best that I never met him, or not because we more than likely wouldn't still be together and he would just be a passing thought.
During an argument last week, I found out by reading between the lines that he feels he lowered his standards to be with me. WOW.
If anyone find this somehow, tell me something...
What should I do to repair my broken heart when it's been beat up so much that it's unrecognizable?
I'll be back tomorrow and I'm sure more of how this happened will be revealed.
Tired Love R.