Friday, June 27, 2008

I'm so happy I was with you tonight.

A few times in the last couples days I thought about this blog and what I would write if I was on my computer right then. So much has been going on in my mind. First, my living situation is crazy. We haven't argued recently because we don't talk. But now that I know in my mind that it's over, I'm uncomfortable living with him. Just this morning, he walked around bottomless for 15 min while he got ready for work. I deliberately didn't see anything. But it's more than that, it's clear that he never really wanted me after all. He knows I'm done or he should know I'm mostly done and he hasn't changed. I wonder when I have the talk with him if he will even try to change my mind or will he just say "Okay".

Then I've been thinking about this guy. I'm not sure if I'm interested in dating right after it's over. I'm scared to date. I'm sure sex would be expected and I'm not sure I'm ready. As horny as I am, I'm not sure I want to give my body to another person just yet. I remember dating as guys trying to get some pussy. Some would do a lot and then expect it and some would do almost nothing and expect it. I just want to be loved. And it's hard to imagine getting lucky and finding that right away. For a long time, I wanted to be loved but the person I wanted to love me never did. In a way, I want to jump right into it.

I want to feel loved.

Back to this guy, he has sent me a couple endearing text messages. I know I should discourage it but it feels nice. My daughter's father never sent me a note, email or anything endearing. He has said over and over that he is not romantic. One of the text messages said, "I'm so happy I was with you tonight." (We ran into each other at a event.) I need to discourage this attention before I act like I'm not me. I've been so deprived of attention that I might not be in my right mind. ;)

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

He's very nice...where was he when I was single

I haven't had sex in a very long time and that's counting the encounter I mentioned in my last post. The last time we kissed was a even longer time ago. I'm deprived.

Being a very sexual person this is hard for me. I don't like the idea of cheating and lying especially since we have a child together. I want this to end as smoothly as possible but it's going to maybe be another two months before that happens. I don't know if I can wait.

When I go out for drinks with friends, men always hit on me. I must admit I a get a lot of attention. But I'm not tempted. Meeting men at bars isn't for me. When drinking is involved, who knows who these men really are. For example, I'm drinking, sometimes more than I should so I'm very outgoing and charismatic, I'm not like that all the time.

There is someone I can't put out of my mind. I meet him at a bar but for a networking event so it doesn't really count. We've done business together but that's it. He likes me but knows I'm with someone. He doesn't know that it's a bad situation and I don't think he knows that we live together. He's a really nice, good guy so I don't think he would go for it with just the knowledge that I have someone in my life. I wish I was single so I can see if it's worth anything. One thing especially great about him is the way he looks at me. My sons father never looked at me that way.

I happened to see this person last night and he touched the top of my foot. It turned me on. I left quickly and will try to keep my distance. Maybe I will look him up in two months after it's over. If it's truly something there, I don't want to mess it up with a ugly beginning.

Two months seem like forever.

Monday, June 23, 2008

So long, too long

I was just thinking about how about two and 1/2 years of knowing him, I was already sad and unhappy. I was hurt that he never made me feel special. Crying as I listened to...

Thank you - Dido - - Dido

I thought how he never gave me the best day of my life or anything close to, and that he never will. I was sure of it and I was right.

Why did I stay if it was so bad? Sometimes I think it was the sexual connection. At that time we had sex just about everyday. After sex, it felt right. If felt like love. I was young and naive and let the feeling I got from him during sex mean more than it should have.

Funny, he tried to touch me yesterday. I wasn't grossed out yet I wasn't a bit interested. The last time we had sex it like... somewhat like this quote from the color purple - "He does his business on top of me." This is a quote that Celie wrote in her journal. This shows that having sex wasn't to deal with love or even passion it was just Albert doing what he had to do. Celie had been raped as a young girl by her stepfather so she got the impression that men were do that and a women was to just take it whether she wanted to or not.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Such a weird place...

I'm too old to sit and wait.

This person I live with and co-parent my son with make my skin crawl.

How can I live in peace with someone who has broke my heart over and over again? It's such a weird place to be.

I'm going to start meditating. I need to find peace because financially things can't change just yet.

In the beginning

When I first saw him I was immediately interested. I didn't think he was especially handsome. I couldn't tell he was intelligent and goofy (two qualities I like) at this point. I just liked how he talked and his mannerisms. He was sort of bohemian and organic. That's what I like about him. I never cared much for the bourgeoisie, suit wearing type who cared more about collecting things to impress other bourgeoisie suits. He was far from this type.

So, I could tell he was interested. But we couldn't exactly flirt or get to know each other because this guy I was sort of dating was in the way. So I danced sexily in his view and he wrote in his notepad while sitting on the floor right in front of me while I played cards with this guy I was sort of dating. We didn't exchange numbers. If I didn't have a connection to him through other people, we more than likely would have never met. But a friend was determined to make it happen between us. She thought it was a perfect idea and wanted to add us to the couple she collected as friends for her and her boyfriend.

Eventually we met again at a party, exchanged numbers and went out. Right away there were two things undesirable about him. If our paths crossed today and he lived with his parents and didn't have a car, I'm sure I would keep passing. Now he lives with me and still don't have a car after 7 years. He had a car once but that didn't last very long.

If I made a list of what traits I don't want the next guy to have it would look something like this - sport fanatic (hell no!), doesn't live alone, no car, unromantic, narcissistic, and unmotivated/lack drive.

So in the beginning, I was happy with him. I enjoyed his company and we had good talk. He was ok in bed as well. You know it was good in the beginning because it’s normal to be completely excited when exploring a new body that we are attracted to. Also, he is well endowed. But after the newness rubbed off it got sort of boring. I tried to introduce us to Tantric sex but he was not at all interested. I bought a book for role playing ideas and he didn't want anything to do with it. I slowly figured it out, we are not as sexually compatible as I would like. But in the beginning none of that was revealed and I was falling hard for him. The physical connection was special and I started wanting him as a boyfriend not just a lover. He didn't want a girlfriend and at first I didn't want a boyfriend but sometimes things change when you meet that special person. Why he decided to make me his girlfriend is still sort of confusing to me. Maybe I will explore that tomorrow.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Things can go crazy any moment!

It's sort of calm in my home. We are not talking much and I find that best because I never know what will ignite an huge yelling match. He has to win so I don't participate much any more. I simply go into another room and close the door and because he needs to get his point out, he yells through the door. So I close my ears and sing like a little girl to protect myself from his hurtful words.

So today it's calm. But things can go crazy if we start to talk and then one rubs the other the wrong way somehow. So I'm hoping I can keep this up. A way to insure this is to not do intoxicants around him. Before I decided to not do intoxicants around him to make sure I don't slip up and have sex with him. Now, I don't want to pretend to be friends. Friends don't hurt you. It feels like war.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Why I'm starting this...

I'm not going to promote this blog unless there is a way to do it anonymously and if I think it will help someone else.

I decided to start this blog because I want my current situation documented. My heart is broken. It broke slowly. Took about 7 years and it was painful.

I live with someone who might have loved me but never was in love with me. Once he said I was wrong because I used to love his dirty drawgs but now I don't. I responded that, "you don't love my dirty drawgs so why should I love yours." He said it was different because, he never did.

We have a son together and if it wasn't for that I would feel that it would have been best that I never met him, or not because we more than likely wouldn't still be together and he would just be a passing thought.

During an argument last week, I found out by reading between the lines that he feels he lowered his standards to be with me. WOW.

If anyone find this somehow, tell me something...

What should I do to repair my broken heart when it's been beat up so much that it's unrecognizable?

I'll be back tomorrow and I'm sure more of how this happened will be revealed.


Tired Love R.