Friday, June 27, 2008

I'm so happy I was with you tonight.

A few times in the last couples days I thought about this blog and what I would write if I was on my computer right then. So much has been going on in my mind. First, my living situation is crazy. We haven't argued recently because we don't talk. But now that I know in my mind that it's over, I'm uncomfortable living with him. Just this morning, he walked around bottomless for 15 min while he got ready for work. I deliberately didn't see anything. But it's more than that, it's clear that he never really wanted me after all. He knows I'm done or he should know I'm mostly done and he hasn't changed. I wonder when I have the talk with him if he will even try to change my mind or will he just say "Okay".

Then I've been thinking about this guy. I'm not sure if I'm interested in dating right after it's over. I'm scared to date. I'm sure sex would be expected and I'm not sure I'm ready. As horny as I am, I'm not sure I want to give my body to another person just yet. I remember dating as guys trying to get some pussy. Some would do a lot and then expect it and some would do almost nothing and expect it. I just want to be loved. And it's hard to imagine getting lucky and finding that right away. For a long time, I wanted to be loved but the person I wanted to love me never did. In a way, I want to jump right into it.

I want to feel loved.

Back to this guy, he has sent me a couple endearing text messages. I know I should discourage it but it feels nice. My daughter's father never sent me a note, email or anything endearing. He has said over and over that he is not romantic. One of the text messages said, "I'm so happy I was with you tonight." (We ran into each other at a event.) I need to discourage this attention before I act like I'm not me. I've been so deprived of attention that I might not be in my right mind. ;)

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