So long, too long

I was just thinking about how about two and 1/2 years of knowing him, I was already sad and unhappy. I was hurt that he never made me feel special. Crying as I listened to...




I thought how he never gave me the best day of my life or anything close to, and that he never will. I was sure of it and I was right.

Why did I stay if it was so bad? Sometimes I think it was the sexual connection. At that time we had sex just about everyday. After sex, it felt right. If felt like love. I was young and naive and let the feeling I got from him during sex mean more than it should have.

Funny, he tried to touch me yesterday. I wasn't grossed out yet I wasn't a bit interested. The last time we had sex it like... somewhat like this quote from the color purple - "He does his business on top of me." This is a quote that Celie wrote in her journal. This shows that having sex wasn't to deal with love or even passion it was just Albert doing what he had to do. Celie had been raped as a young girl by her stepfather so she got the impression that men were do that and a women was to just take it whether she wanted to or not.

Such a weird place...

I'm too old to sit and wait.

This person I live with and co-parent my son with make my skin crawl.

How can I live in peace with someone who has broke my heart over and over again? It's such a weird place to be.

I'm going to start meditating. I need to find peace because financially things can't change just yet.

Why I'm starting this...

I'm not going to promote this blog unless there is a way to do it anonymously and if I think it will help someone else.

I decided to start this blog because I want my current situation documented. My heart is broken. It broke slowly. Took about 7 years and it was painful.

I live with someone who might have loved me but never was in love with me. Once he said I was wrong because I used to love his dirty drawgs but now I don't. I responded that, "you don't love my dirty drawgs so why should I love yours." He said it was different because, he never did.

We have a son together and if it wasn't for that I would feel that it would have been best that I never met him, or not because we more than likely wouldn't still be together and he would just be a passing thought.

During an argument last week, I found out by reading between the lines that he feels he lowered his standards to be with me. WOW.

If anyone find this somehow, tell me something...

What should I do to repair my broken heart when it's been beat up so much that it's unrecognizable?

I'll be back tomorrow and I'm sure more of how this happened will be revealed.

Peace,

Tired Love R.